so why, then?

i fear leaving
i fear it because i fear
having no family around me
to support me
to take care of me
to rescue me
when i fall so hard that
even I can't pull myself out of this one.

but being here
i realize i may not even have
THAT.

so what is family?

When you wake up
see me awake
ask me what i'm doing
and i say "i can't sleep.."
you proceed to walk off
and close your door in annoyance.

...that wasn't the response i was expecting.


all ive ever wanted was to be cared for
and taken care of.
ive held my own
because i've had to.
financially since i was nineteen..
but emotionally
since i was hardly old enough to speak.

i see people
who have family and friends
who will RUN to the side of that person
at the slightest inclination of discomfort
or pain
or sadness.

i've never had someone
as sensitive as that.

YES there's God,
there's God
and HIS love,
but damn it
the reality of a human being
rushing to your side
brings a comfort that i
a human being myself,
long for.

you "love" me.
people "love" me.
hannah you're surrounded by people who
"love" you.

am i, though?
if so, then what does that mean??
and what's wrong with me that
i can't just let THAT be enough?

i want to FEEL
you care for me.
and i want to care for you.
i want human connection.
i want to come home
after having a panic attack
and know that someone is worried about me
enough to rush to MY side
and make sure i'm okay.
not because i need a doctor
not because my life is in jeopardy...

merely because all i really DO need in that moment
is to know i'm not alone
and i don't need to be afraid
because YOU'RE here.

not a boyfriend
not a love interest
just a friend
who loves me and who i love
someone who is willing to console
my emotional being.

yes, there's God
but these panicky nights
these headache nights
these stomach ache nights
these insomniac nights
these RESTLESS nights...

sometimes just call for a human connection
that i've never known.

i've never known it.
not from mother
not from father.
not from brother.
not from friend.

there's always been distance.
space.
and it's getting cold.
and i'm growing tired of pursuing it
asking for it
waiting for it.
it never showed up, and it still
has yet to come.

i am isolated.
maybe by my own doing.
maybe a combination of circumstances.
but it's cold now.
i'm cold.
and afraid.
and longing to know
that i really am NOT alone in this world.
that someone understands me.
that someone will hug me
no questions asked.
that someone will make sure
i fall asleep okay tonight
no panic attacks
no anxiety
no fear.


this is a really
"needy" sounding post.
but i'm indifferent to the opinion of
the judgmental reader.

this is raw emotion
that i've been keeping within me
in fear of looking
weak
dependent
needy.

i am none of those things.
i've faced and defeated circumstances
that no weak, dependent, or needy person
could ever overcome.

however
i AM human.
and i long for that connection;
the comfort that comes with
KNOWING
when i am hurting
someone i love
who loves me
will be by my side
no matter how
seemingly insignificant
the matter may be.

i've been in
emotional solitude
for far too long.


and i'm freezing.

i woke up..

..this morning.

i'd had a dream about you the night before.
you had braces
and i spotted you through the crowd
and ran up to you knowing things had changed
but we talked like nothing happened.

your brother was sick
dying
something had just happened
and i was the only one who knew why
everyone was frantic but you werent
because when i ran up to you to tell you
what was wrong with him
you knew too

i left oregon to find you
to tell you
and you were wearing an orange shirt.

we talked about me staying
and i weighed the consequences against my freedom.

and then i woke up.

stumbling.

silence here since december.
much has changed.
in my life. my mind.
in my heart.

i'm okay now.
i am.
little feelings of attraction here and there.
i'm beginning to feel again.
even now
right now
i feel
something slight
for someone
and its terrifying
but it let's me know that
i'm alive.

I'm alive.

then today happens.


do you read me?
stumble upon me?
accidentally? impulsively? purposefully?

i do.
stumble upon you.
impulse takes reign
and i stumble.

and i read
because i'm curious.
like a cat.
i've been this way
comparable to the feline species.
you've known this about me.
you learned me.
still,
curiosity has yet to kill me.

so i read.

and i read something
meant for me?
maybe.
there's a good chance its not
but just maybe.
enough to get me thinking.
enough to get me to
STOP thinking
the negative things i've learned to think
about you.
makes it easier.
forgetting who you were
and focusing on who
i THINK you are now.
and the fabrication i've created
based on stories from mutual friends
is a sad one.

hah.
here i am
admitting my somewhat immature response
to heartbreak.
wonder what you've heard about me.

is it possible
that you write
with the thought that i might read
what you've written
hiding in the corners of your mind?
i know i haven't escaped your thoughts.
i meant too much.
i gave too much.
you gave
too much
for me to be locked out of your memories
entirely.

i hope i was that pain in your chest.
the one i wrote about
before i gave you my heart.
do you remember that?
i wonder.
i doubt it.
but still, i wonder.

is it possible
that you're reading this?
right now?
i'll never know,
will i?

but i want to.
i do.

trembling.

ah.
here i sit.
trembling.
is it because i am cold?
it is rather chilly where i sit.
but no.
is it because i am... afraid?
afraid of what?
afraid to feel?

hmm.

aha.

i am alive.
it is because
i am alive.
tonight.
i came alive.

a mix of fear and exhilaration.

i saw you tonight.
not in person, of course.
but i saw you.
i did.

and i read you.
and i read you and i read you.
over and over
i read you.

because you wrote.

to who?
alas, i will never know.
it was pretty
it was heartfelt
it was public.
i read it.

a declaration of your love
dedication
protection.
of your determination
to be
not a good
but a
great man.
to someone
whose identity is unknown to me.


i know not where you stand today.
i know not who you are anymore.
part of me
thinks i never really knew at all.
those
are reasons i write this here
and not in a letter
addressed to you.
for i dont know
where you are in life.



HOWEVER.
i turn the corner
here.

i forgive you.
for what? you might say.
(ever if you read this.)

i forgive you
for leaving.
for not being able to hold on
like you said you would.
for giving up
like you said you wouldn't.

and i pray that
you
forgive
me.
for not being the girl
i wanted to be.
i realize my mistakes.

our timing was off
maybe our instinct as well.
someTHING wasnt right.
thus, EVERYthing went wrong.


tonight
i saw you
i had to see you
because i was underwater.
and i wanted to breathe again.
i saw you
and i choked
then coughed


...and then breathed.
i can breathe again.

no longer am i underneath
the surface that is the
FEAR of feeling
due to your absence
in the place where your promises lay
naked
abandoned
empty.


i am alive
i can feel
i can feel.

your place in my conscious mind
ends here.

ill probably delete this one soon. its so badly written.

Yes im upset.
Im still upset.
I debated on blogging about this
but screw it.
Im still upset.

Why?

BECAUSE.

There was nothing fair about what happened.
Sure
I was a horrible girlfriend
maybe that was it.
But every intention I had was good.
I loved.
I loved too much.
I gave.
At first not enough
and then too much.
Too damn much.
I doubted
I failed to trust
But at the same time I trusted with all my heart.
Put so much faith in his promises.
Telling myself, in the midst of my doubt
“At least you know his word is his bond.”
I mean, that's what he said.
You know?


hahahaha.

I mean, thats all I can do.
Just laugh.

And Im sure it became too much for him.
Understandable.
I mean, gosh
it was a roller coaster.

BUT
here's the clincher.

He KNEW, in a sense, what he was getting himself into.
The situation?
Here:

Me.
Recently cheated on. [call it what you will. It was infidelity.]
Coming out of a 3 year relationship
messy break up, my self esteem is shot
and im vulnerable in every sense of the word.

Him: [some verbatim, some not]
“I dont want to be a chapter in your life.” [verbatim.]
“its gotten to the point where I can no longer go on just being your friend.”
“Option 1: We pursue something more. Option 2: I distance myself from you.”

Me:
“I dont know...”
“You know im not ready for any of this..”
“I do have feelings for you..”
“Im just coming out of this crazy relationship..”

but then I thought and thought, and we talked. And I didnt want to lose him. And he said crazy things like “hannah, this is right. I wouldnt feel this way if it wasnt right.”

hmm. Haha.

Whats funny is, I didn't feel the same way. I mean, I liked him and all, but never did I feel “hannah you idiot, this is RIGHT.”

but
after a long enough time of hanging out with him
the flirting
the curiosity
the feeling of loneliness that follows a break up..
I wanted more.
And so I jumped in.
all my faith in HIS word.
misguided, i'm sure.
I probably should have prayed harder.
And listened for God's voice. Not his.

But it felt so good. Being cared for.
Being genuinely cared for.
Haha.
He had this phrase
“anything for hannah.”
I remember asking him for something one day
but worried about inconveniencing him
and he said
“whats my policy?”
and I smiled so big
and meekly said
“anything for hannah...”

and it wasnt the idea that it was all about me.
It was just
the principle of the fact
that he cared for me so much.
And I felt safe
because my desire to do anything for the one I loved
was mutual.


He said sooo many things.
So many things.
And you may say
hannah, everyone says things.
I mean, promise breaking is very in right now.
You can say that.
And I'll still fight you.
Because
I came from a breakup
a breakup that he watched me go through
where all the promises made to me
broke
right in front of me.

but for some reason
the diligence he had in pursuing me
and the words he chose when he told me how he felt
made me believe
he'd never go back on his word.
Not in things like this.
Not in things like
“hannah. I will always be here. I'm a constant in your life.”
thats a bold statement.
“Hannah. I love you. No matter what. For you, its unconditional.”
hmm.
I mean, cheating is an understandable condition.
But I didnt cheat.
I did nothing of the sort.
Yet, I watched him throw conditions at me
in the silence he left me in.

I dont know.
I got over the other relationship
the one that ended in infidelity.
I mean I knew what to think about it and stuff.
“you're an a-hole.”
really.
But this
this.
I mean, what went wrong?
I dont want him back.
I've had lots of time to think about why.
At least I can say that.
And even though the break up was mutual
our relationship ended a while before it was ever verbalized.

Im reminded of a blink182 song.
Very raw. Not very musically or intellectually elegant.
Just raw like, “This is how it is. This is how I feel.”

and cue music:
“i cant forgive
cant forget
cant give in
what went wrong
cause YOU SAID this was right.
You f.cuked up my life.”

how funny
how sad
how silly and simple and frustrating and carnal
it seems
to believe
and base every thought and emotion and hope
off of one phrase
that could very well be
[and in this case, was]
empty.
“hannah, this is right.”


and so
I wrote a very lame blog
about how I kind of feel
some of the time.
I mean
most of my days
are pretty awesome.
But sometimes I just get hit
with these thoughts
and im angered by the unfairness of it all.

All I want to say and think and throw is
“but you said. you said.”

ill take responsibility for my naivety.
I dont have to believe everything I hear.
I could have said no from day one.
A big part of me wishes I did.

I really just wish
it ended in a better manner.
And he handled it like a man.
Yeah.
I said it.
If you're his friend.. judge me.. tell me what i did wrong.. tell me why it was my fault... go ahead. Cause... you have room to say such, right?

Closure is important.
Running is easy.

I used to be important to you.
ha.
and you bailed
so easily.


And now you're half way across the united states.
Good for you.
You should be proud of yourself.



Are you?

so i had a conversation with the silence.

this is something i wrote last june. about another breakup. my, how my current feelings are similar.

________________________________________________________________________


Who are you? And why the heck did i love you? Why do i still? Who... are you?

Not who i knew. No, that's not you anymore. My, how things change. You stop pursuing someone, they stop pursuing you, and suddenly, you're in love with a stranger. In love with a phantom, some person who doesn't even exist anymore, cause time changed the physical being to whom your affections were directed.

I don't know you. Haven't known you for a long time. And don't get off thinking you know me... you stopped caring months ago.

I love, so easily. I love and long to be loved, to be desired, wanted, chased.. romanced. I want to be fought for. It catches me off guard, makes me feel fantastic, when my friends stick up for me. When it makes them angry or frustrated when they see I'm not being treated right. It's noble, and admirable.

There's nothing cute about baggage. I know. I'm not over him, won't be for a long time. Doesn't mean i haven't moved on, though. I've accepted the fact that he may have just been apart of one season of my life. But I don't know. Who's to say that we won't meet again someday, as two completely whole individuals, new and different... getting to know each other again... falling in love all over again... who's to say that's impossible?

Of course, that's not where my focus lies. Nor my hope. It may happen, it may not. Maybe it's him, maybe it's another.

One thing i know, however, is I'm going to marry my best friend. My closest guy friend, my ultimate best friend... one who knows me inside and out... that's the man I'm going to marry.

all things go.

i called it.
i called it!

i freakin called it.


all of the sudden I'm alone again.
i called it.
i did.

saw it coming.
from every angle.

hahaha.
oh the cynicism in that laugh.

its okay.
much better this way.
that wasn't meant to rhyme.


anyway.

its much quieter now.
mostly silence from my phone.
stagnancy on the homepage of my myspace.
spaces in my schedule.

but it's okay, it really is.
this is what i wanted.
ME time.
right?
yes. of course.

i just find it so
FUNNY
how
all of the sudden
_/\_/\_/\_________________________
a flat line.
all
of the sudden.

this is how i see the situation
in my imaginative head.

there was this huge swimming pool
right in front of me.
it wasn't very hot outside
it was actually rather comfortable.
a desired temperature, i think.
this pool, however, looked tempting.
i wanted to jump in.
i did.
i felt compelled to swim.
but something,
instinct, maybe,
told me
NO
you'll regret it.
its not hot enough outside*
*(the time isn't right)
and you'll end up cold!
the pool says to me
"its okay, im heated. you'll never be cold."
my instinct says to me
"hannah, it could very well be broken.
and you wouldn't know until you jumped in."
i agreed with the reasoning.
if that were the case
it would be too late.
cold hannah.
but i still pondered.
the pool looked so
refreshing
beautiful
tempting.
"i'll be here all day hannah.
you just take your time.
trust that i'm not going anywhere.*
i'm a pool.
(i'm [insert name here])*"

so
i inch closer
and dip one little toe in
and its a bit chilly
but enticing, nonetheless.
its a pool.
i want to swim.
one foot in, now
two feet in
eyes closed now
still a skeptic
then
suddenly i'm waste deep.
haven't gone all the way in
but in too far to go back
without freezing.

i open my eyes
i open my eyes with caution
and vulnerability
and see
the water
receding
and receding
and receding.
faster now
its disappearing
until the pool has dried up
completely.

the wind blows
i'm soaking wet
and shivering.

i stand
in the middle of this empty pool
and say
"i called it."
yeah
i called it
but i wasnt listening.
who was i listening to?

who the hell was i listening to?



if you're looking for me
on land is where i'll be.


for a while, at least.


♥