all things go.

i called it.
i called it!

i freakin called it.


all of the sudden I'm alone again.
i called it.
i did.

saw it coming.
from every angle.

hahaha.
oh the cynicism in that laugh.

its okay.
much better this way.
that wasn't meant to rhyme.


anyway.

its much quieter now.
mostly silence from my phone.
stagnancy on the homepage of my myspace.
spaces in my schedule.

but it's okay, it really is.
this is what i wanted.
ME time.
right?
yes. of course.

i just find it so
FUNNY
how
all of the sudden
_/\_/\_/\_________________________
a flat line.
all
of the sudden.

this is how i see the situation
in my imaginative head.

there was this huge swimming pool
right in front of me.
it wasn't very hot outside
it was actually rather comfortable.
a desired temperature, i think.
this pool, however, looked tempting.
i wanted to jump in.
i did.
i felt compelled to swim.
but something,
instinct, maybe,
told me
NO
you'll regret it.
its not hot enough outside*
*(the time isn't right)
and you'll end up cold!
the pool says to me
"its okay, im heated. you'll never be cold."
my instinct says to me
"hannah, it could very well be broken.
and you wouldn't know until you jumped in."
i agreed with the reasoning.
if that were the case
it would be too late.
cold hannah.
but i still pondered.
the pool looked so
refreshing
beautiful
tempting.
"i'll be here all day hannah.
you just take your time.
trust that i'm not going anywhere.*
i'm a pool.
(i'm [insert name here])*"

so
i inch closer
and dip one little toe in
and its a bit chilly
but enticing, nonetheless.
its a pool.
i want to swim.
one foot in, now
two feet in
eyes closed now
still a skeptic
then
suddenly i'm waste deep.
haven't gone all the way in
but in too far to go back
without freezing.

i open my eyes
i open my eyes with caution
and vulnerability
and see
the water
receding
and receding
and receding.
faster now
its disappearing
until the pool has dried up
completely.

the wind blows
i'm soaking wet
and shivering.

i stand
in the middle of this empty pool
and say
"i called it."
yeah
i called it
but i wasnt listening.
who was i listening to?

who the hell was i listening to?



if you're looking for me
on land is where i'll be.


for a while, at least.


♥

scarlet.

So, I'm listening to this song.
"Scarlet" by Brooke Fraser.
And...
It does something to me.
I can't describe what, not adequately enough, anyway.
But I can try.

I feel like she's talking to me.
Like, she's calling me out
on the facade I wear
and the front I've been putting up lately.

Who the hell am I?
I need to get away.
I want to get away.
But where?
Far enough to start over completely?
Can I do it?
I'm afraid.
But I feel like I can't breathe here anymore.
I feel like I'm under water
and the oxygen I inhaled before I went under
is slowly
slowly
going bad.
I need more.

I need to
need to
need to
do something
before I go away
and am gone for good.
because I've been leaving
and coming back
and leaving and coming back
and leaving
and...
coming back less often.
my returns aren't as frequent as they once were.
I go away
and I'm gone for longer than the time before.

I'm gone right now.
Out.
Away.
Absent.
I've come back, but
only made it as far as the door.
Courage not enough
to open it.
Sometimes I knock
But there usually isn't anyone inside to let me in.
To let me back in.
To their world.
My home.
Sometimes, there are people there
but it's really loud inside
And my knocks are timid.
Fearful.
Shy.
No one hears.

So I turn around
back against the door
and slide down.
Discouraged
Lonely
Defeated.
Head in my hands, i think.
and think
and think
until i can't think anymore
and decide
it hurts too much to try.
and i go away
again.
and stay away.
always longer
and longer.

i want to come back.
someone grab me
pull me back
make me come back
someone from inside
open the door and pull me
pull me inside.


but no one hears.
and no one's home.
not today.