ill probably delete this one soon. its so badly written.

Yes im upset.
Im still upset.
I debated on blogging about this
but screw it.
Im still upset.

Why?

BECAUSE.

There was nothing fair about what happened.
Sure
I was a horrible girlfriend
maybe that was it.
But every intention I had was good.
I loved.
I loved too much.
I gave.
At first not enough
and then too much.
Too damn much.
I doubted
I failed to trust
But at the same time I trusted with all my heart.
Put so much faith in his promises.
Telling myself, in the midst of my doubt
“At least you know his word is his bond.”
I mean, that's what he said.
You know?


hahahaha.

I mean, thats all I can do.
Just laugh.

And Im sure it became too much for him.
Understandable.
I mean, gosh
it was a roller coaster.

BUT
here's the clincher.

He KNEW, in a sense, what he was getting himself into.
The situation?
Here:

Me.
Recently cheated on. [call it what you will. It was infidelity.]
Coming out of a 3 year relationship
messy break up, my self esteem is shot
and im vulnerable in every sense of the word.

Him: [some verbatim, some not]
“I dont want to be a chapter in your life.” [verbatim.]
“its gotten to the point where I can no longer go on just being your friend.”
“Option 1: We pursue something more. Option 2: I distance myself from you.”

Me:
“I dont know...”
“You know im not ready for any of this..”
“I do have feelings for you..”
“Im just coming out of this crazy relationship..”

but then I thought and thought, and we talked. And I didnt want to lose him. And he said crazy things like “hannah, this is right. I wouldnt feel this way if it wasnt right.”

hmm. Haha.

Whats funny is, I didn't feel the same way. I mean, I liked him and all, but never did I feel “hannah you idiot, this is RIGHT.”

but
after a long enough time of hanging out with him
the flirting
the curiosity
the feeling of loneliness that follows a break up..
I wanted more.
And so I jumped in.
all my faith in HIS word.
misguided, i'm sure.
I probably should have prayed harder.
And listened for God's voice. Not his.

But it felt so good. Being cared for.
Being genuinely cared for.
Haha.
He had this phrase
“anything for hannah.”
I remember asking him for something one day
but worried about inconveniencing him
and he said
“whats my policy?”
and I smiled so big
and meekly said
“anything for hannah...”

and it wasnt the idea that it was all about me.
It was just
the principle of the fact
that he cared for me so much.
And I felt safe
because my desire to do anything for the one I loved
was mutual.


He said sooo many things.
So many things.
And you may say
hannah, everyone says things.
I mean, promise breaking is very in right now.
You can say that.
And I'll still fight you.
Because
I came from a breakup
a breakup that he watched me go through
where all the promises made to me
broke
right in front of me.

but for some reason
the diligence he had in pursuing me
and the words he chose when he told me how he felt
made me believe
he'd never go back on his word.
Not in things like this.
Not in things like
“hannah. I will always be here. I'm a constant in your life.”
thats a bold statement.
“Hannah. I love you. No matter what. For you, its unconditional.”
hmm.
I mean, cheating is an understandable condition.
But I didnt cheat.
I did nothing of the sort.
Yet, I watched him throw conditions at me
in the silence he left me in.

I dont know.
I got over the other relationship
the one that ended in infidelity.
I mean I knew what to think about it and stuff.
“you're an a-hole.”
really.
But this
this.
I mean, what went wrong?
I dont want him back.
I've had lots of time to think about why.
At least I can say that.
And even though the break up was mutual
our relationship ended a while before it was ever verbalized.

Im reminded of a blink182 song.
Very raw. Not very musically or intellectually elegant.
Just raw like, “This is how it is. This is how I feel.”

and cue music:
“i cant forgive
cant forget
cant give in
what went wrong
cause YOU SAID this was right.
You f.cuked up my life.”

how funny
how sad
how silly and simple and frustrating and carnal
it seems
to believe
and base every thought and emotion and hope
off of one phrase
that could very well be
[and in this case, was]
empty.
“hannah, this is right.”


and so
I wrote a very lame blog
about how I kind of feel
some of the time.
I mean
most of my days
are pretty awesome.
But sometimes I just get hit
with these thoughts
and im angered by the unfairness of it all.

All I want to say and think and throw is
“but you said. you said.”

ill take responsibility for my naivety.
I dont have to believe everything I hear.
I could have said no from day one.
A big part of me wishes I did.

I really just wish
it ended in a better manner.
And he handled it like a man.
Yeah.
I said it.
If you're his friend.. judge me.. tell me what i did wrong.. tell me why it was my fault... go ahead. Cause... you have room to say such, right?

Closure is important.
Running is easy.

I used to be important to you.
ha.
and you bailed
so easily.


And now you're half way across the united states.
Good for you.
You should be proud of yourself.



Are you?

so i had a conversation with the silence.

this is something i wrote last june. about another breakup. my, how my current feelings are similar.

________________________________________________________________________


Who are you? And why the heck did i love you? Why do i still? Who... are you?

Not who i knew. No, that's not you anymore. My, how things change. You stop pursuing someone, they stop pursuing you, and suddenly, you're in love with a stranger. In love with a phantom, some person who doesn't even exist anymore, cause time changed the physical being to whom your affections were directed.

I don't know you. Haven't known you for a long time. And don't get off thinking you know me... you stopped caring months ago.

I love, so easily. I love and long to be loved, to be desired, wanted, chased.. romanced. I want to be fought for. It catches me off guard, makes me feel fantastic, when my friends stick up for me. When it makes them angry or frustrated when they see I'm not being treated right. It's noble, and admirable.

There's nothing cute about baggage. I know. I'm not over him, won't be for a long time. Doesn't mean i haven't moved on, though. I've accepted the fact that he may have just been apart of one season of my life. But I don't know. Who's to say that we won't meet again someday, as two completely whole individuals, new and different... getting to know each other again... falling in love all over again... who's to say that's impossible?

Of course, that's not where my focus lies. Nor my hope. It may happen, it may not. Maybe it's him, maybe it's another.

One thing i know, however, is I'm going to marry my best friend. My closest guy friend, my ultimate best friend... one who knows me inside and out... that's the man I'm going to marry.