so i had a conversation with the silence.

this is something i wrote last june. about another breakup. my, how my current feelings are similar.

________________________________________________________________________


Who are you? And why the heck did i love you? Why do i still? Who... are you?

Not who i knew. No, that's not you anymore. My, how things change. You stop pursuing someone, they stop pursuing you, and suddenly, you're in love with a stranger. In love with a phantom, some person who doesn't even exist anymore, cause time changed the physical being to whom your affections were directed.

I don't know you. Haven't known you for a long time. And don't get off thinking you know me... you stopped caring months ago.

I love, so easily. I love and long to be loved, to be desired, wanted, chased.. romanced. I want to be fought for. It catches me off guard, makes me feel fantastic, when my friends stick up for me. When it makes them angry or frustrated when they see I'm not being treated right. It's noble, and admirable.

There's nothing cute about baggage. I know. I'm not over him, won't be for a long time. Doesn't mean i haven't moved on, though. I've accepted the fact that he may have just been apart of one season of my life. But I don't know. Who's to say that we won't meet again someday, as two completely whole individuals, new and different... getting to know each other again... falling in love all over again... who's to say that's impossible?

Of course, that's not where my focus lies. Nor my hope. It may happen, it may not. Maybe it's him, maybe it's another.

One thing i know, however, is I'm going to marry my best friend. My closest guy friend, my ultimate best friend... one who knows me inside and out... that's the man I'm going to marry.