trembling.

ah.
here i sit.
trembling.
is it because i am cold?
it is rather chilly where i sit.
but no.
is it because i am... afraid?
afraid of what?
afraid to feel?

hmm.

aha.

i am alive.
it is because
i am alive.
tonight.
i came alive.

a mix of fear and exhilaration.

i saw you tonight.
not in person, of course.
but i saw you.
i did.

and i read you.
and i read you and i read you.
over and over
i read you.

because you wrote.

to who?
alas, i will never know.
it was pretty
it was heartfelt
it was public.
i read it.

a declaration of your love
dedication
protection.
of your determination
to be
not a good
but a
great man.
to someone
whose identity is unknown to me.


i know not where you stand today.
i know not who you are anymore.
part of me
thinks i never really knew at all.
those
are reasons i write this here
and not in a letter
addressed to you.
for i dont know
where you are in life.



HOWEVER.
i turn the corner
here.

i forgive you.
for what? you might say.
(ever if you read this.)

i forgive you
for leaving.
for not being able to hold on
like you said you would.
for giving up
like you said you wouldn't.

and i pray that
you
forgive
me.
for not being the girl
i wanted to be.
i realize my mistakes.

our timing was off
maybe our instinct as well.
someTHING wasnt right.
thus, EVERYthing went wrong.


tonight
i saw you
i had to see you
because i was underwater.
and i wanted to breathe again.
i saw you
and i choked
then coughed


...and then breathed.
i can breathe again.

no longer am i underneath
the surface that is the
FEAR of feeling
due to your absence
in the place where your promises lay
naked
abandoned
empty.


i am alive
i can feel
i can feel.

your place in my conscious mind
ends here.