stumbling.

silence here since december.
much has changed.
in my life. my mind.
in my heart.

i'm okay now.
i am.
little feelings of attraction here and there.
i'm beginning to feel again.
even now
right now
i feel
something slight
for someone
and its terrifying
but it let's me know that
i'm alive.

I'm alive.

then today happens.


do you read me?
stumble upon me?
accidentally? impulsively? purposefully?

i do.
stumble upon you.
impulse takes reign
and i stumble.

and i read
because i'm curious.
like a cat.
i've been this way
comparable to the feline species.
you've known this about me.
you learned me.
still,
curiosity has yet to kill me.

so i read.

and i read something
meant for me?
maybe.
there's a good chance its not
but just maybe.
enough to get me thinking.
enough to get me to
STOP thinking
the negative things i've learned to think
about you.
makes it easier.
forgetting who you were
and focusing on who
i THINK you are now.
and the fabrication i've created
based on stories from mutual friends
is a sad one.

hah.
here i am
admitting my somewhat immature response
to heartbreak.
wonder what you've heard about me.

is it possible
that you write
with the thought that i might read
what you've written
hiding in the corners of your mind?
i know i haven't escaped your thoughts.
i meant too much.
i gave too much.
you gave
too much
for me to be locked out of your memories
entirely.

i hope i was that pain in your chest.
the one i wrote about
before i gave you my heart.
do you remember that?
i wonder.
i doubt it.
but still, i wonder.

is it possible
that you're reading this?
right now?
i'll never know,
will i?

but i want to.
i do.