so why, then?

i fear leaving
i fear it because i fear
having no family around me
to support me
to take care of me
to rescue me
when i fall so hard that
even I can't pull myself out of this one.

but being here
i realize i may not even have
THAT.

so what is family?

When you wake up
see me awake
ask me what i'm doing
and i say "i can't sleep.."
you proceed to walk off
and close your door in annoyance.

...that wasn't the response i was expecting.


all ive ever wanted was to be cared for
and taken care of.
ive held my own
because i've had to.
financially since i was nineteen..
but emotionally
since i was hardly old enough to speak.

i see people
who have family and friends
who will RUN to the side of that person
at the slightest inclination of discomfort
or pain
or sadness.

i've never had someone
as sensitive as that.

YES there's God,
there's God
and HIS love,
but damn it
the reality of a human being
rushing to your side
brings a comfort that i
a human being myself,
long for.

you "love" me.
people "love" me.
hannah you're surrounded by people who
"love" you.

am i, though?
if so, then what does that mean??
and what's wrong with me that
i can't just let THAT be enough?

i want to FEEL
you care for me.
and i want to care for you.
i want human connection.
i want to come home
after having a panic attack
and know that someone is worried about me
enough to rush to MY side
and make sure i'm okay.
not because i need a doctor
not because my life is in jeopardy...

merely because all i really DO need in that moment
is to know i'm not alone
and i don't need to be afraid
because YOU'RE here.

not a boyfriend
not a love interest
just a friend
who loves me and who i love
someone who is willing to console
my emotional being.

yes, there's God
but these panicky nights
these headache nights
these stomach ache nights
these insomniac nights
these RESTLESS nights...

sometimes just call for a human connection
that i've never known.

i've never known it.
not from mother
not from father.
not from brother.
not from friend.

there's always been distance.
space.
and it's getting cold.
and i'm growing tired of pursuing it
asking for it
waiting for it.
it never showed up, and it still
has yet to come.

i am isolated.
maybe by my own doing.
maybe a combination of circumstances.
but it's cold now.
i'm cold.
and afraid.
and longing to know
that i really am NOT alone in this world.
that someone understands me.
that someone will hug me
no questions asked.
that someone will make sure
i fall asleep okay tonight
no panic attacks
no anxiety
no fear.


this is a really
"needy" sounding post.
but i'm indifferent to the opinion of
the judgmental reader.

this is raw emotion
that i've been keeping within me
in fear of looking
weak
dependent
needy.

i am none of those things.
i've faced and defeated circumstances
that no weak, dependent, or needy person
could ever overcome.

however
i AM human.
and i long for that connection;
the comfort that comes with
KNOWING
when i am hurting
someone i love
who loves me
will be by my side
no matter how
seemingly insignificant
the matter may be.

i've been in
emotional solitude
for far too long.


and i'm freezing.

i woke up..

..this morning.

i'd had a dream about you the night before.
you had braces
and i spotted you through the crowd
and ran up to you knowing things had changed
but we talked like nothing happened.

your brother was sick
dying
something had just happened
and i was the only one who knew why
everyone was frantic but you werent
because when i ran up to you to tell you
what was wrong with him
you knew too

i left oregon to find you
to tell you
and you were wearing an orange shirt.

we talked about me staying
and i weighed the consequences against my freedom.

and then i woke up.